


Amores Perros

by wilhelms



Category: Dark (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-28 08:07:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13899858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wilhelms/pseuds/wilhelms
Summary: Perhaps, we are all fools. Love makes us foolish, it makes us commit strange things, it changes people into monsters. Torments their hearts and brings nothing else but pain. Hannah´s POV.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for giving this a chance.  
> Hannah is my favourite character and I struggle to understand why but she is.  
> Please, forgive my mistakes, I´m not a native speaker of English.

She did never mean to be a bad person. When she was growing up she was given a stable home, loving parents. Still, there was never enough.  
Never enough attention, never enough perfection. There would always be something that she wanted and didn´t have. New jeans, a new Walkman, a new boy at school. Perhaps, she tried too hard because she never felt enough. Jokes were never funny when she told them, stories were never as cool as when Ulrich told them, never enough theatrical and funny. She never managed to properly describe the best point. Her grades were average and average she was. Forgettable, unremarkable. Was it an excuse? An excuse to hurt the others? She knew, now sitting in the psychologist´s office, as an adult that it wasn´t. She was supposed to be virtuous, a good girl her parents always wanted but she was not. She knew what she wanted and who she wanted. 

Suddenly, she felt sick. Her stomach turned upside down. Michael has just died and she was being selfish again but wasn´t it what she was so good at? She gave up, standing up and leaving the waiting room. A psychologist might help Jonas but not her. Why would she need him anyway? To ask her whether she had problems with her mother? She laughed at her own joke. This was the end of the line. This was when she wondered whether she was going crazy. Was there really a question of doubt? She was. Her husband had just killed himself, leaving no letter, no goodbye as if she did not matter to him as if his son did not matter to him. She could only guess whether he told his mother about his wishes, whether he kissed her goodbye. It always seemed that no matter what she was the pillar of his life. There was no question about it when they were teenagers and it did not change in his adulthood. Ines was the most important person in Michael´s life and no one could change it. No one could be enough. Not even her. She just wasn´t enough. Again. 

This was that moment when people overthink every single decision in their life. Should I have left Winden? Should I have married someone else? Should I have? Lots of "should haves" and "if onlys". Hannah was never sure in her decisions. She was only sure about one thing. She knew who she loved and always wanted and no matter how much she tried to trick her heart and brain into thinking she was past it, she knew he would always be the unreachable dream. She loved Michael. No, she did. She knew she did. They were very similar. Lonely, somehow lost in this life and terribly unhappy. They simply happened to be unhappy together, their only joy being their son. Now even Jonas was not happy, quickly replacing his father´s place in the play "the most miserable family in Winden". But Hannah´s heart was Ulrich´s. Always. He did only mean physical attraction, he meant happiness, love, passion and somehow a different life. She wanted to leave with him, run away from this damned town and start again. Him (the Viking God), Jonas and her. 

Desperate it was but she was standing in front of his house. Looking into his windows, not realising they were empty, she imagined the life that was going on in there. His and Katarina´s daily life, their children - Martha, Magnus, Mikkel. She passed the house that time but kept coming back. Hoping, crossing fingers in her pockets that he would eventually come by. The naivety of a little girl and the hope of a mature woman. Pathetic? Maybe but it paid off once his hand was on her shoulder. 

"Hannah" he said.   
She stopped breathing for a moment. Was it really him? Was she dreaming? Was she going crazy? She was afraid to turn and face him or her imagination but he repeated her name. Gentliness in his voice, pity perhaps.   
"Hello, Ulrich" she tried to smile. It was pointless to pretend she was just passing by as she lived on the other side of the town but she still excused herself, just to say something.   
"Sure. Would you like a cup of tea?" He tried to be polite but she knew he was never good at it. He seemed clumsy. It raised the question whether he was nervous because of her and if he was, was it because he was also in love with her? In her head, she decided that he was and that could be a moment when it all went downhill.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonas, the man of her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for giving me a chance. Thank you for kudos.

If only she did not kiss him. If only she had stopped loving him. If, if, if ... life was always so full of ifs but if we ever let our bodies to decide we end up badly. She should have stopped herself. At first, the kiss was unsure, light, their lips touched. She scared herself. Was it too early? Was it... ? Was it fair? Fair to whom? To Katarina? She had never liked her. Not even when they were both young. Always considering her too confident, too harsh, never good enough for Ulrich. Was she supposed to feel sorry for Michael? Because he killed himself rather than being alive with her? Were his selfish reasons better than life with her? Her brain stopped thinking, everything was mechanical. Her clothes on the floor, their bodies getting closer, her touches. Her brain was clouded with sex. There was nothing to worry about, to think about. Perhaps that was the reason why people cheated on their partners. Why good people did terrible things. Why Ulrich could cheat on his high school sweetheart with a woman who only used him to heal herself. Perhaps, the chemicals in her brain allowed her to persuade herself that what she was doing was out of love. That she deserved him more than anyone else. Why was it so wrong wanting to be happy? 

She did not think about being fair or kind or a good mother and a perfect widow. She had no regrets. Not now, not at the moment when he hugged her in his arms and not when he was pushing it out from his house when he was frantically changing the sheets. She knew she had him. She knew she was finally less lonely. He would be her saviour, her knight in the shining armour. And when she was sitting on her bed, late in the evening she texted him "I have no regrets" and when he texted back "I do" she only closed her eyes. Was she really a woman that did not deserve to be loved? 

But little time was left to think about Ulrich when her own son was in the nuthouse. Even Jonas could not stand to live with her without going crazy. She planned to call him but what could she say to make it better? To make it meaningful. So, she ended up with a feeble "Good night. Love, Mum". Because what else do you say to a child whose father had just killed himself? Get better? Was it possible? I love you? She did but it didn´t seem enough. So, she thought about leaving it till tomorrow. Sometimes, Hannah wondered why was she so unlucky with men and whether her own son loved her. Did he? At least him? Maybe she was despicable. Maybe she would be better stoned. Such thoughts always led to one thing, rather than sleeping, she would go and drink a glass of wine. What else was there to do. The night would only end up in tears and headache. 

The next day was no different than the day before. She would wake up, go wait for a text from Ulrich. Nothing would come. She would go to work. See two clients. Get a bit of money and finally beating herself up to see Jonas. Seeing him was difficult. Seeing him meant sitting there and saying meaningless things like "I can´t wait to see you home again" or "I have missed you. Your Grandma says hi" and so on. She had no idea what kind of news she could share with him. Was there even anything happening in that damn town? Never. Nothing. Such boredom. 

During the journey, she had the luxury of listening to old songs. Imagining all those years with Michael. Strangely, her son was now the only thing that was left of him. She thought whether Michael would be angry at her for sleeping with Ulrich. Would he yell? Would he be dramatic? Would he even be a bit jealous? Afraid to lose her? With Michael, life was not easy. He always seemed to be in his own world. Always with her but never quite. Always flying somewhere else. As if he was living a different life. A son gave him a bit of happiness but as Jonas was growing, even he sometimes struggled to catch his attention. No, he would not care whether she fucked Ulrich. Because he wouldn´t care if she died. That was a bitter realisation on her journey and suddenly she ended up having to cheer herself up by singing the 90s horrible pop songs. 

It was better that way. It was better to send Jonas away. He had his peace, his time to heal. She constantly persuaded herself but although not the best mother. Hannah loved her son. He was the only joy in her life, although admitting it would take a lot of courage. The doors were slammed, the coat unbuttoned and her shoes were touching the old wooden floor of a depressive villa. The "hospital" seemed rather gothic on the outside but inside it was quite nice, artistic, colourful. Something Michael would approve of. (Was she now always going to think about every her decision as if Michael was alive?) Jonas was sitting behind the desk. Studying the history book, preparing himself to get back to school. She promised him he could go back as soon as he was ready and while he was happy to stay here for the first two months, he was starting to feel being cut off his life now. 

"You are studying? Aren´t you supposed to be resting?" She smiled weakly.   
"Mama" Jonas smiled and hugged her in his arms.   
Her doubts about having him home disappeared. She wanted him back. Her baby boy. The sweetest child around. He was a man now but as they say, mothers never stop seeing babies in their grown-up children.   
"Grandma says hi" she did it. She used the trope.   
"Say hi to her as well" he did not know what to say.   
"Are they feeding you well, here? You seem you have lost some weight. As soon as you are back, it will be my terrible spaghetti again."   
"The best food in the world" he smiled. 

They knew they only have each other in this world.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you if you have finished reading this :). I would like to get back to writing properly. If you liked it or not and are willing to share your opinion, I would be grateful.   
> I might continue this as I like the idea of understanding people´s motives behind their decisions, but let´s see how it goes :).


End file.
